Leave me be, Self Doubt.

Getting closer to the graduation date should bring me peace and happiness, but at it has brought me is anxiety and self doubt. Don't get me wrong. I am OVER THE MOON happy that I will be seeing Michael, but like I said, I can't really enjoy that excitement because I am constantly feeling anxious and doubting that the I am as prepared as I thought I was two weeks ago.


Today I looked at the calender and I immediately got excited. In less than two weeks, I was going to see my love. But that excitement didn't last long because right after I looked at the calender, I looked that weather for that weekend. Now, I know Chicago has been getting some pretty nasty weather lately, but of course, I didn't think to plan for that. Instead of flying in a day before graduation, I should have bought my ticket two days before in case delays. So that was number one. Number two was I booked my hotel room through a third party website and when checked out, on the confirmation page it said, there is no need to call ahead and confirm your reservation. I said, oh okay, I won't call, but then for some reason, I decided to call and just get that naggin feeling out of my head. When I call, immediately, I am turned off because a rude, loud woman answered the phone and basically yelled, HOLD PLEASE. No, Hi this is so and so hotel, please hold. No, that would be too much to ask for at EIGHT IN THE MORNING. Anyways, I let it go and chalked it up to not having her coffee. So, she gets back on the phone, and say how can I help. I tell her I wanted to just check that my reservation was received for the graduation date and wanted to know if I had to do anything else. She asks for my confirmation number (cutting me off mid-sentence, BTW) and tells me to wait. I let it go, ONCE AGAIN and just wait. She gets back on the phone and says there is nothing here. I tell her what website I booked it from and she basically said there was nothing she could do, if it wasn't in the computer, it didn't exist. That's when I got upset. I went on to say something to the effect of how can it not exist? I paid for it. I have a confirmation. It has to be there somewhere because the money isn't in my account anymore. She says that I needed to talk to the manager, but he wasn't in yet and he wouldn't be until later that day. I get off the phone and the feelings of anxiousness and self doubt encompass me. A million thoughts go through my head at once. What if I can't go? Where am I going to sleep? Can I afford to lose the money I spent on the reservation and get a new one? Did I put in my zipcode in wrong? Again, doubting myself.

About two hours later, I get a call from a Chicago number and think it's Michael so I answer immediately. It wasn't Michael, but it was the next best thing, the manager from the hotel I was staying at. He asks me to explain the situation to him, so I did, leaving out the rude woman, however. He asks for the confirmation number again and tries the computer again, thinking the woman made a mistake. He confirms what she said about it not being there. Then, he asked what website I used. I told him and he made the most magical sound I've ever hear, "AHHHHH." Honestly, I don't think I have ever been more happy to hear someone's vocal chords vibrate. He tells me to hold, that he is going to check something. He comes back and begins to explain to me that the website I use sends the reservations by fax instead of by email and that my reservation was still sitting in the fax machine. I was so happy and relieved. I thanked him a billion times and told him how great he was. He checks the reservation and makes sure everything is correct and told me not to worry, that there will be a room waiting for me.

All in all, it was a stressful morning, but at the end of it, I got through all the bad feelings and tried hard to focus on the feeling of getting to see my love after almost two months.

Letters, Phone calls, and Facebook Groups. OH MY!

I am so excited!!! I got not 1, not 2, but 3 letters yesterday in the mail. Each one sweeter than the last. I miss him so much and I know he misses me just as much. I honestly can't believe his graduation is coming up so soon. It has been so hard without him and being able to just be with him again will be amazing. For his graduation, me, his mom, dad, and younger brother are going to the actual ceremony, but his step mom and middle brother are coming to spend the day with him. I know everyone is super excited and ready to see him. But I am also nervous. I'm nervous he wont be the same. I mean, I know he was bound to change after going through basic training, but I guess I just hope he'll be the same guy I fell in love with 3 1/2 years ago.

...

I GOT A PHONE CALL TODAY!!! Okay, I haven't gotten a phone call from him since the Monday before Christmas. Literally, I was going stir crazy. I was trying not to panic and create this whole irrational and ridiculous situation for why he hadn't called me (I do that sometimes) and then just like that, he calls me. So, I was eating lunch with my family and my sister grabs my phone and shows me I have two missed calls from a IL number and I freak out. I yell at her, I snap at my mom for asking me why I had it on vibrate, I call it back like 10x KNOWING that there is no way he will answer it, and finally, I just break down. Now, I didn't start crying, but BOY did I want to. I kept praying he'll call back. 20 minutes later, I'm still beating myself up and there it goes, he calls back. They first thing I say on the phone is I AM SOOOOO SORRY. You would think that he would be like "Oh, it's fine" but he didn't. He was actually mad. He told me, in a very irritated voice, YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR PHONE ON YOU. After I apologized again, he was just like, I don't want this conversation to be a fight, so we dropped it. We talked about how he was doing, how excited he was he got through HELL WEEK, he told me about being chosen to be guidon so we can see him during graduation, and just a lot of different things. The saddest part of the conversation was that he told me it was his last phone call until the "I'm a Sailor" phone call the day before graduation. But all and all, I am happy with our phone call and even more happy that in less than two week, I will be seeing my baby for the first time since beginning week of December.

...

In one of Michael's letters, he told me about this Facebook group that was for loved ones who's SR was graduating the same day as Michael. I decided to join it and now I'm addicted. Seriously. They stories, questions, concerns, and just anything really. It's an entire group of people who know exactly how you feel, are probably feeling the same way, and want to be there for you. This woman posted something about not being sure about taking her baby to graduation because of how cold it is going to be and honestly, like 15 different people, including myself, commented on it giving advice, support, and just being nice and helpful about it. One woman offered to babysit during the actual ceremony part of it so the baby wouldn't have to go out in the cold so early in the morning. I mean, this group is incredible. This whole time while Michael was gone, I felt so alone. My parents, my sister, no one could help me shake it. They just didn't understand. These women (and men) do. It's been really amazing and I just wished I found it sooner. It makes me feel close to him because I'm communicating with people who's loved ones are with him. It's strange, I know, but it's comforting. Well, that's what's happened these past days. Thanks for reading, PEACE.

The elusive photograph

Okay, so I think I have bad luck. I do. I am CONVINCED. So, here is what happened.

On Facebook, there is a page called "U.S Navy Recruit Training Command." It's a really cool and super nice page where family and friends can go and get updates, pictures, videos and just connect with other people who have loved ones in RTC. I love it. I check it ALL the time. So, I was on there the other day and saw they posted pictures of recruits who weren't eligible to participate in the "Adopt-A-Sailor" program they have every major holiday. Basically, recruits who will be graduating in the next two ceremonies are eligible. Families can come up and take their recruit for the day and bring them back later at night. Recruits whose families couldn't come get "adopted" by host families, churches, and just community organizations that want to do something nice. It's a great program and this year, they did it for Christmas. Unfortunately, Michael wasn't eligible, but the recruits who didn't get adopted still got to have the "day off." They were able to write letters, relax a little bit, basically have an easier day than usual. So, when I saw they posted pictures of recruits who stayed behind, I got excited because in all my letters, I tell Michael to get in a picture of he sees people with a camera. Literally, every letter. So when I go and look at the album I see there are 619 pictures in this album. I almost died. I wanted to see him, but it's not like they tagged Michael or even said "This is a picture of Ship whatever Division whatever." I had to go through all of the pictures if I wanted to see Michael. Because I'm crazy, I did just that. I started at like 10:30pm and finished at like 1am. After looking at each picture carefully and reading comments hoping someone would say "oh this is division such and such," I got nothing. Not at all. I mean, how can there be NO picture of him?! Not even of him in the background or something. So, I was mad, but then I was just embarrassed. I was complaining about not seeing a picture of Michael after a little over a month, when there are people who haven't seen OR heard from their loved ones in a lot longer. I closed up the page and went to bed. 

The next morning I saw someone had replied back to a comment I posted on the album asking if anyone had seen pictures of Michael's division. The guy replied that there were pictures of them in the chow hall (where they eat). I got really happy again and opened up the album. Just when I thought I was the unlucky one whose loved one's division didn't get photographed, his guy lets me know they did he their pictures taken. I look at all the pictures and realize there are five different sections of the album that had like 30 pictures each of recruits in the chow hall. I ruled two sections out because there were girls in them and I knew Michael was in an all male division. Still, I had about a 100 pictures to go through again. I finally found the section where Michael's division was photographed because someone had commented on the first picture stating these were such and such ship and division. I payed extra close attention to each picture and the people in the background. At the last picture, I still didn't find Michael. I went through them again. Maybe I missed him. Nope, still not there. This time, I was pissed. How could his entire division get photographed and him be the ONLY one not in the picture? Seriously. That's when I realize, I have terrible luck. I wanted it so bad and I got so close, but still didn't get it. And trust me, I know it sounds silly getting so worked up at a picture, but damnit, I wanted it. I guess I'm going to just have to wait until graduation.

WHY IS EVERYTHING EXPENSIVE?!

I need to vent. Even if it is to myself. Here it goes.


WHY IS EVERYTHING SO EXPENSIVE! I mean, seriously. Aren't airline tickets suppose to go down after the holiday season? I mean, it is January 7th! Anyone who is on vacation, is now back! So why are the tickets still crazy! I have started looking at tickets since December 15th and I check back everyday and everyday they get a little more expensive. It's insane. Not once it has gone down. My mom says I should just keep waiting, but what if it never goes down. I have to be in Chicago and I can't just wait last minute to buy my tickets. Michael would be devastated if I didn't come. Then, she says well, buy the tickets like they are now, you have the money for them. I mean, yeah, I have the money, but that doesn't mean I want to use it. We are saving to buy a car and cars aren't cheap. They are going to take all of Michael paychecks and all the money I get as well. I have very little wiggle room and to her, that makes me cheap! I am CHEAP! When Michael gets out in June, we are going to have two weeks to buy a car, pay for insurance on the car, tags and taxes, pay a deposit and first months rent on a place, pay to move are stuff to the new place, and be able to eat during all of that! I mean, I know June is far off, but still, I'm not going to wait and leave it to chance. Just hoping that I will have enough money for everything. UGH. I hate that word, cheap. What's wrong with trying to save. I know that once all the big stuff is taken care of, I will breathe a little easier. But for now, I'm the cheap 19 year old girl who rather take a 17 hour train ride for 150 than a 2 hour plane ride for 400.

Recap of everything

So last time I wrote, I had just received all of Michael's things and was feeling pretty good. Right after that, I got a phone call from him while I was as a Christmas light show with my family. He only had a 5 minutes, but it was really nice to hear his voice. He sounded really tired and almost hurt so I asked him if something had happened and he told me that he had just got all of his wisdom teeth removed. I guess one of the first things they do when recruits first come in, is give them a another physical, urine test, and a dental exam. Michael knew all his wisdom teeth had come in, but at the time we were dealing with so much problems when it came to paperwork and having a surgery with general anesthesia meant doing a lot of paperwork so we decided to wait. They weren't bothering him anyways. So when he got to basic they saw them and told him they had to take them out. He missed two or three days of training (that he made up later) and he got to call me. It was great. I missed him so much at that point and it was just nice hearing his voice.

A week later, I got my first letter from him. Honestly, it was like opening up a present. I read his letter and started crying. Not because of anything sad, but because it was like the first time I got know how he was, how he really was. He told me he missed me. That basic was something that he never wanted to do again, not because of it being hard (which he said it was), but because of how limited our communication was. I know he knows there will be times he is away on <br>deployments<br> or underway and we wont see each other, but our communication wont be limited like it is now...or maybe it will be, I don't know. He also said that he was in an all male division, which I didn't get because I thought that divisions were already all male or all female. He said that they had done well on an inspection and they got a flag. Everything sounded good. It sounded like he was doing well and even though he was homesick, he was making the best of it. 

Two weeks after I got my letter, I got a phone call from him. This time it was longer. It was 30 minutes of pure bliss. It was the Monday before Christmas so of course he wished me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. He also talked about how he made new friends and that he loved the pictures I sent him. He also told me that his Recruit Division Officer (RDC) was a Chief Petty Officer 1st Class and he was also a Hospital Corpsman, which is what Michael's job is. He told me that he made a good relationship with him and he talked to him about his job and his worries about what to specialize in. I'm happy that he found someone to give him some guidance in that area. I can only give him so much, but without really experiencing it, I can't give him any REAL help. We also talked about how much we loved and missed each other, but I will keep those parts to myself. 

Okay, that is a recap of everything that has happened. So this is what is happening now. 

I'm finally starting to buy my plane tickets and make hotel reservations to see him and man o man, it is expensive. I mean, the hotel isn't too bad, but the plane tickets are like CRAZY! I mean, I don't understand why they are so expensive when the holiday season is over. I am seriously starting to consider leaving a day before and get a Greyhound bus ticket or a train ticket. I don't know. I don't want to spend so much money, but I also don't want to be traveling for over 17 hours. We'll see what happens. Suggestions would be nice though. Well, that's everything. I will probably post again if I get more phone calls or more letters, if not, I will definitely post after his graduation at the end of the month.

Blurp

I got Michael's package today. I know it's just clothes and his phone, but it made me so happy. Not because I'm crazy or anything, but now I don't have to wait by my house phone all day because Michael can just call his cell and I'll pick it up from anywhere. Anyways, just wanted to share my happy news. Goodnight!

miss you

Today is the fifth day without Michael. I'm starting to miss him a lot more. I keep wanting to pick up the phone and call him and tell him about my day. I'm struggling with not having phone conversations the most, I think. The distance is hard, but I've done it before. I just keep reminding myself "I will see him soon" and I feel better. But not being able to call him or email him or anything, that's what will make this really hard. I want to know he is okay. Not safe okay, but happy okay. This is his first time away from him family, mom or dad, and first time away from me. I know it sounds like he is my kid or something, but I worry. Maybe I'm worrying too much. I don't have any doubt that he can do this, I just have to give him a chance to do it.

**UPDATE.

When I started this piece, it was before I got his mailing address. I still haven't heard from him, but now I can start sending him letter in the hope of in a week or two, he will respond to me. We will have some line of communication after all.

60 seconds

Michael being gone is really starting to settle in. All day today, he's had his phone giving me updates on how he was doing, when he was going to board the plane, when he landed, when he was waiting to be dropped off at RTC, everything, he called me throughout the whole process. Just now, I got the final call basically saying he wont be able to call me or anyone else for at least 2-3 weeks. The call was about one minute and he told me he got there okay, his stuff was being sent to my house, and that he'd call me soon, and all that was great, but I just wanted more. I know he didn't do it on purpose, but like I said, it's just now hitting me that he's really going to be gone for two months with limited contact. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not sitting here and whining and feeling sorry for myself. I mean, I KNOW that there are people in our military who haven't spoken to their loved ones for way longer than two months or haven't seen them for longer than two days and are holding up just fine. But that's not what this is about for me. I am in no way wishing for him to come back, I want him to be there. I'm just having to adjust to our new normal and it's not as easy as I thought it would be. We've been long distance before, but I've never not been able to call him whenever I like. That part is new and I guess I should probably start getting used to it.

In a way, I think it will be good for me. I've always had Michael there for me for the past 3 years non-stop. When we starting dating, it got serious really fast and that's great, I'm happy it did, but it also wasn't so great because I kinda became depended on him. He was my friend, my boyfriend, my party person, my everything. All I had was him, or at least in my mind, all I had was him, and now that he's gone I want to know that I can be okay without him. Not just okay either, I want to thrive while he's gone. He's off making something of his life while I'm here not really doing anything. Going to school has been a big goal for me for a while now and getting started on that process is a really go place to start so I can accomplish that long term goal of getting my degree, but I also want to set up a short-term goal that I can do by the time Michael get's out of RTC. I haven't really decided what yet, but I want it to happen and I want to set it up before the end of this week. Any suggestions? 

For the meantime, I'm just happy he is safe and okay and I am really excited for him to begin this big journey. I'm excited for me to begin my own journey as well. PEACE.

New Chapter

So. Here we are again. Up until now, nothing in my life was really worth writing about. No new job, no new house, no new anything. But that's okay. I have been completely okay just getting back into the rhythm of living with my parents again and only seeing Michael SOMETIMES. And I think for the most part, we have been doing a good job at balancing time with our respective families and time with each other before he ships out.

Well, "SHIP OUT" date is finally here. Today, I took Michael to his recruiter's station so he and other recruits can drive down to Richmond, stay in a hotel, and get ready to leave for RTC tomorrow. I have to say, it was a WHOLE lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, it's not like we haven't been without each other before. We dated for an entire year living over 1100 miles away from each other. So why was this harder? Really, I'm asking, why? All I know is that this is the first of many hard and sad "see you later"s.

On the flip side, I am not only super sad to have had to say goodbye, but also very happy and excited for him. I mean, this is the start of his ADULT life. It's the start of our life together and no matter how hard it was for us to say goodbye today, it just means it'll be a sweeter hello down the road. He will learn new things and become the sailor he's been aching to become this past year and I couldn't be prouder.

Now with Michael gone, I can finally do what I wanted to do with this blog when I started it in the first place. Write everyday (or at least every week) about my experience being with someone who is becoming a service member. I'm really excited and kinda scared about this new chapter in our lives and hopefully with this blog, I will be able to get support from others who have gone through or are going through I am about to face. That's all, thanks for reading.

Cupcakes and Sprinkles

...SO. You see what had happened was... I forgot. I need to get in the habit of writing everyday and so far, it's hasn't stuck. BUT I will keep trying. Maybe writing every day is too hard. Maybe once a week..or month..at least 4 times a year. I kid.

Any who, I am writing to report, I am no longer going to be living in Nebraska anymore. It's been real, but due to personal issues, it's time to move it along to Virginia! Mama, I'm coming home! But fo'real, I am coming home mom. I will be staying with ma mom and pops during Michael's training and school. It will be a tail-between-the-legs thing, but my mom and dad are very understanding people and know that sometimes sh*t happens and plans change.

On the plus side, I love my HUGE family and will definitely love time with them and also, living there, practically free, will allow me to go to school full time and save for a car.

I leave for Virginia on Thursday and I'm just happy to be taking a step in right directions. As for my babycakes, he too, will meet me in Virginia, but not at my parents house this time, but at his Dad's. It'll be just like high school! *face palm*. But we will make it work, just like we always do. But, that's all for now. Gotta go to my last day of work tomorrow. Maybe there will be cake. Here's to wishful thinking!

Awk...

Sooooo, this is awkward. I haven't posted anything in...forever. In my defense though, I have been working so much. I have had one day off and I have loved every minute of it. It's super fun and really fast paced. I had to get used to it in the beginning, but now I am getting the hang of everything. I am working the not so busy shifts for now, but hopefully in a about another week or so I will be able to work a Friday night shift. Aside from my job, Michael also had some news from his job as well. Tomorrow, he will know exactly when he will leave for basic training. I am so excited! Partly for him, but mostly because I know exactly when I will get to be with my family again. Anyways, that's it for now. Happy blogging!

Asdfghjkl

So I started my job yesterday and I am excited! I really like the people so far, everyone has been super nice and I am excited to go back! I go in today, tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday and then I start making tips Thursday! Wish me luck!

Job! Job! Job!

I got the job! Yay! I am super excited to finally get out of the house, make some money of my own and most importantly, GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE! Anyways, I start next Satuarday and I'm extremely happy. Wish me luck.

Quick Thought

I've been doing a lot of research about the Navy lately and what it's going to be like for Michael when  he goes to basic training. His recruiter has this great video about what the first day of basic will look like and so I decided to watch it.

Honestly, I thought it was going to be more physically exhausting, but it's actually a lot of studying and remembering. Also, I was under the impression that we were going to have more contact. I know he won't have his cellphone, but I thought there would be more constant communication (email, letters, collect calls?). I found out he is only allowed to call one person two times. Once, when he gets there for like a minute and then again in a few weeks to tell me when and what time his graduation is.

I keep saying I want him to leave and I do, but I guess I forget that I won't be able to see, talk, or touch him for 2 and a half months. I mean, during out relationship, we have been long distance, but at least then I could call him or text him whenever I wanted. It's definitely going to be hard not being able to do that, but I know in the end, all of this will be worth it.

Update

So I've been bad and have not written. I feel bad because when I started this blog, I did it with the intention of using it as my own personal journal. I really don't have any excuse because nothing time-consuming has happened...yet.

Anyways, this is what's new with me and what I will probably be talking about in the next few posts to come.

I have started two new shows, one on Netflix and one on Hulu Plus. Both originals. The Netflix one is called House of Cards with my main squeeze Kevin Spacey. I.Love.It. I think it was my aunt and uncle who told me about the show and I have always meant to watch, but I get distracted with other originals like Orange is the New Black or Hemlock Grove. Both of those shows are amazing by the way. Anyhow, I love the show so far and I am not going to binge watch this one, I am going to take me time and just enjoy it. The second show is in Hulu Plus (which is an amazing app) and it's called ManhAttan. Yes, the "A" is supposed to be capitalized. This show, I watch with my FIANCÉ* and we love it. We watch one episode every night and then we talk about what we thought about the show. The show is about the building of the Atomic bomb. It's extremely interesting and not necessarily fast-paced, but full of drama and suspense.

So that's has been what I have been doing for the past couple of days. It's pretty boring. All I do is stay at home, ALONE, and watch shows. It sounds like vacation, but it's not. It's sad, boring and lonely. I get lazy and sometimes, I just stay in my pajamas. I was getting tired of it, so I decided to get a job. I tried getting a receptionist job and then an administrative job, but being stuck at a desk with no one to talk to is not appealing work to me. So I decided to stick to what I know and get a serving job. I love working in fast paced restaurants and talking to people and just always doing something. I have an interview Friday and if all goes well, I start Saturday. I am really excited about this and so is my fiancé. He has been the one working so far and now that I am going to be working, he gets to quit his job and just focus on getting in shape for the Navy and studying for Basic. Wish me luck!


*someone left a comment saying I have been spelling fiancé wrong and I felt like an idiot. Now I know the proper way to write it. Thank you anonymous commenter!

Sweet Love

Michael and I have been dating for almost 3 and a half years now. We met at the end of 10th grade, dated all throughout 11th grade, dated long distant for all of 12th grade and then we started living with each other June of last year. It hasn't always been easy, but I couldn't imagine not being with Michael. If you know him, the first thing you notice about him is his good looks for one :), but apart from that, his humor. He is honestly, the funniest person I have ever met and I have met some pretty hilarious people. He doesn't try to be anything he is not, he knows exactly who he is. He is really smart too and not just book smart either (which he is as well) but also street smart. I really believe that if he was dropped off in an entirely new city with nothing but the clothes on his back, he would not only survive, but prosper. I know I am making him sound like a saint, but by no means is he a saint. He has flaws, but for some reason, his flaws seem so minuscule to all of his great qualities.

On top of all of that, he has one more quality that is one of my favorite ones. He is sweet. Yeah, yeah, cliche. Aw, he's so sweet. I know, everyone says it, but he truly is sweet.

He remembers what I tell him. He try's to make me happy every chance he gets. We both know he can't go out and buy me whatever I want, but he does try to do 100 small things that add up to be one amazing fiancée.

Here's a story that'll probably sound silly to people who will read it, but it honestly was one of the many times that Michael has shown me how sweet and kind he really is.

We were driving somewhere, I can't remember where, and we stopped in a gas station to pump gas (duh) and get something to drink. I didn't go inside, of course, I never do, so Michael asked me what I wanted. I said just a diet coke. He came out of the gas station and he gave me the diet coke and told me that it was one of those that had my name on it. I really don't know why I was so excited, but then again, who doesn't like having things with their name on it. I turned it around and the name on it was Ryan. He laughed and then I laughed, I mean, it was a joke. It was pretty funny too because I was so excited and my face when I found out it wasn't my name was probably priceless, but at the same time, I think he saw I was actually a tiny bit disappointed. I got over it in a couple of seconds, I mean, it was a friggin' coke with my name on it. It wasn't a big deal. Anyways, two night ago, I was making myself a ceasar salad and I forgot the croutons. It was like 10 at night and I asked Michael to drive to the store to get them for me. I really didn't think he was going to do it, but he did, like the best fiancée in the world he is, and left for the store. When he came back, he gave me the croutons and a diet coke with my name on it.

I was so happy. I was beside myself. I don't think he really understood why I was so happy though. I mean, I don't even know. It's a COKE! Nonetheless, I was still really happy and more importantly, touched. It may seem small to some, I guess it's just the idea that Michael, one thought, she probably would like a diet coke, and two, try to find me one with my name on it. 

The moral of the story and this long blog post is, my Michael is truly the best. To all those who have said I am making a mistake for marrying so young or who didn't think Michael was good enough, who cares what you think? Michael is EVERYTHING I want in someone that I want to spend my life with. His mom calls us soul mates. I used to think the idea of a soul mate was stupid. How could there only be one person in the whole world who is compatible with you to the point of spending all of time together? Well, let me just take those words back because that is exactly what Michael is to me. He is my best friend, my lover, my enemy, all in one. He makes me crazy mad, crazy happy, crazy passionate, and sometimes just crazy. I love my life with him. I don't think it's going to be all rainbows and gum drops, I know we will struggle, but that is what will make us stronger.

"Eat with the ones you starve with."

We will struggle with money, with our marriage, with our kids, with leaving the cereal out and it getting stale. But at the end, we will look back on our life and not think, maybe we should've waited a few more years, but instead, "Wow, what a beautiful, full, great life we had."

My Weekend

So I haven't posted anything since Thursday and that's honestly because I just didn't feel like posting anything...BUT this is how my weekend went.

Friday: I had a job interview for a receptionist position at a local college. I think the interview went well, but I will find out tomorrow if I got the job or not. After the interview, Michael and I dropped his mom off at work and then went home, ate take-out with his brother and watched a really cute movie (Nut Job).

Saturday: Darius, Michael's younger brother, was leaving to go back home with his dad the next day so we wanted to do something fun! We thought about going to a state park, or a water park, but we ended up going to a family fun center where there was laser tag, paintball, arcade games, and a rock wall! It was a lot of fun and the pizza was awesome.

Sunday: Michael, Darius, and Michelle (Michael's mom), went to a birthday lunch for Michael's uncle, Lawrence, birthday. We went to Joe's Crabshack, which was not my first choice since I HATE seafood, but we went and it was okay. The wait was horrible, the place was short-staffed, and for Michelle, the food was terrible. But it was nice to see Michael's family and talk about Lawrence's upcoming wedding which we are invited to (SUPER EXCITED ABOUT THAT!). After lunch, we hit the road to Kansas City, MO to drop Darius off to his dad. The drive was about 3 hours, but it wasn't too bad. Michael drove the whole way there and we listened to his music the way there. I have never met Michael's dad's side if the family before so I was kinda excited. We got to the house, Michael went inside to see his family whom he hasn't seen in about a year or so. Later, Michael's aunts came out to the car to say hi to me and his mom. They were extremely sweet and very welcoming. We said our goodbye's and headed back to Nebraska. We got home around 1 am. It was a nice trip and it was good spending those three hours with Darius!

Monday: Today was a weird day. It was the first day all summer, not having Darius here, which was sad for us, but heartbreaking for Michelle. I can't even imagine not having your son with you everyday. But, as hard as it is, we will adjust. Michael and I took his laptop to a repair shop to run some diagnostic stuff on it. It looks like it's going to cost us 130 to fix it, but it's better than spending 400-700 on a new one. After that, we picked up Michelle, and made some returns. After that, we went home to change and then we went back out to Target to pick up stuff for dinner. Then we went home and now I am awake and writing this blog while Michael is sleeping.

So, that's my weekend. It sucks I have to just sum it up because some pretty funny/sad stuff happened in between, but I don't wan't to sit here and write a post for each day all at once. From now on, I will not let this much time go by without writing. Thanks for reading, happy blogging!

Standing Still.

So far, nothing has moved with Michael and Navy. They said December 22nd, but that could change depending on availability.

I have not found anything out about my health problems. I am waiting to hear back from a GI doctor in the area.

The old friend I connected with hasn't responded to my last reply which could mean we are done talking or maybe she's just busy. I don't want to obsess over it because I am just going to get sad about it.

So pretty much, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. I am living in a boring town, talking to boring people, living a boring life (if you can even call it that). I am so tired of it. Sometimes I feel like it was a mistake to leave the east coast. I mean, Michael and I could've been doing the same stuff we are doing here, over there, except over there, we had friends and we went out, and we had more fun. I don't mean to be ungrateful to his family here because they have helped us so much, but I just feel stuck. I feel like there is no fun in my life. I hate feeling that way because I know Michael thinks it's his fault and it's not. It's mine. I let my life revolve around one person. I dropped everything and focused on him. Now, he is doing it for me by joining the Navy to give us a good life. I just don't want us to resent each other at the end of this.

Anyways, that's my depressed and sad thought for the day.

Mean People

This morning when I was looking at my Facebook, I found this video and I just had to talk about it. If you are someone who has met me or had seen pictures of me, you know that I am overweight. I always have. Of course there are times in my life, like now, where I am bigger than I have been before, but I have never been "wear a bikini and don't worry about it" thin. For the most part, I have been comfortable with myself, but recently, like I said earlier, I haven't been because this is the biggest I have ever been. I am working towards correcting it with diet and excerise, but I will never be "skinny" and I am okay with that. I love my curves. However, the man in this video, like other people in my life before, don't have a clue. When I was younger, everytime a girl in school didn't like me or a boy wanted to make fun of me, they called me fat. Always. They didn't know me, they didn't know who I was. All they saw was a few extra pounds and they judged me. They said, get on a diet. They didn't know I was on one. They said, do some excerise, they didn't know I was doing cheerleading and soccer 5x a week. They said you are not losing weight because you are lazy. They didn't know I wasn't losing weight because I have a hormone imbalance that requires medication. This video very clearly and accurately describe this. People are quick to judge, but unless you are that person, you have no idea why people are the way they are. Furthermore, if I am fat because I over eat, don't excerise and am just plain lazy, who are you, a stranger, to make me feel bad about myself or point something out to me, I see everyday. That isn't to say close people, like my family in this case, can't tell me in a supportive way "Hey, this isn't you, let me help you lose this weight." Anyways, that's my morning rant, enjoy the video!

http://youtu.be/DoobdRNNOMo

Maria Zelaya and the Mysterious Scar Mystery

First let me start off by explaining my title. I was in the car with my fiancée today when I was talking to him about my blog. He asked me what some of my titles were. I told him the first few and he just looked at me.

"Babe, those titles suck!"

I was so hurt. Suck? How can they suck? Anyways, I brushed it off and left it alone. Then right now, before writing this blog, I thought back to my conversation with my fiancée and it really bothered me that he thought my titles were sucky. I mean, a title is what makes people interested in something in the first place. I want to grab readers. So I started thinking about what my topic today was and how I can be creative with that. Let me know what you think and if you got the reference. Hint: it's has something to do with David A. Adler .


March 21st 1995 I was born to my mother and father, Roxana Borjas and Franklin Zelaya in Tehucigalpa, Honduras. I was the second born to my mother and the first, to my father. I weighed about 7 1/2 pounds and I'm not exactly sure how many inches long. I was healthy and I was able to go home the next day. When I came home, everything was fine the first couple days, but after about two weeks my mom began to worry about me. I was vomiting quite a bit, my stool was pale and chalky, I had jaundice, and I became very colicky. She took me to the doctor and after a lot of test, they told my mom I had a very rare disease and that I was going to need surgery. At 19 days old, I underwent major surgery and fortunely, everything went fine. After the surgery, they told my parents I would need to stay in the hospital for a few months. After about 3 months, I was allowed to go home. Three years later, my family emigrated to the States and all that was left of that life threatening surgery was a distant memory and an unflattering scar across my stomach.

FAST FOWARD 10 YEARS:

When I turned 14, I started high school and I became increasingly aware of my body. I've always seen the scar, but until now, for some reason, I never questioned it. I was looking in the mirror after taking a shower and I started thinking that I didn't even know exactly why I had this ugly scar across my body. I hated it. I have always been chubby and so I thought that scar just made me look like I had a huge roll on me when in reality, I didn't. Anyways, I got dressed and went out to the living room to talk to my mom. Man oh man, if that wasn't the more frustrating conversation ever, then I don't know what is. Basically, she told me that I had a rare and dangerous disease that had to do with my liver. I had surgery, stayed in the hospital and the disease sounded something like this: ek-te-ri-si-ah.

Thanks mom. I am so glad you were on top of things.

I tried to put Google to good use and find out as much as I can from the little information I was given. I found absolutely nothing. I looked for months, I even tried asking my pediatrician and still nothing. I gave up after a while and just thought that if all that is left of that horrible disease is this scar, than I can live with that.

FAST FOWARD 4 YEARS:

When I was 18 years old I got engaged to my fiancée Michael. When we were making plans for our future of course the topic of kids came up. I told him I have a condition called PCOS and I also have a thyroid problem which makes it difficult to have kids. I can still have them, it will just take a little extra work, but that's for another post. Anyways, that conversation got me thinking about how my scar would react to my expanding skin. This thought sparked my interest, again, on my mysterious scar. Hoping that my mom might've left something out since our last conversation, I called her and asked about the disease again. She told me again, what she had told me before. I was disappointed, but I didn't let that stop me from still trying to investigate. This time when I started researching, instead of typing in what my mom thought was the name of the disease, I just searched for rare, childhood liver diseases. I found a couple things, but the one that really sounded like the disease I had (i.e symptoms, rarity, age diagnosed) I tried to find everything I knew about that particular disease. What I found really was crazy. It is honestly a miracle I survived this long without any medication, regular doctor visits, and/or a liver transplant. The condition is called Biliary Atresia (I guess it sounds like ek-te-ri-si-ah). Here is what the American Liver Foundation has to say about Biliary Atresia or BA for short:

Biliary atresia is a disease of the bile ducts that affects only infants. Bile is a digestive liquid that is made in the liver. It travels through the bile ducts to the small intestine, where it helps digest fats.

In biliary atresia, the bile ducts become inflamed and blocked soon after birth. This causes bile to remain in the liver, where it starts to destroy liver cells rapidly and cause cirrhosis, or scarring of the liver.

There is no cure for BA, the only treatment is a surgery that leaves a large scar on your stomach called a Kasai Procedure. A Kasai procedure replaces the bile ducts outside the liver with the length of the baby's own intestines creating a new bile duct, ultimately trying to achieve bile flow from the liver into the intestines. About 80% of the time this surgery is with partially or fully successful. Most people, however, will need a liver transplant by the age of 20, regardless if the Kasai was completed successfully. This disease can never be cured and is something you will always have to deal with. After reading all the information on this disease, I started to feel so silly for worrying about the scar. I'm sure that people with BA, that's the last thing on there mind. I mean, a transplant by 20? That's insane. I am 19 and I have not once been to a doctors for any follow up. Don't get me wrong, I've met people through BA support groups and BA awareness groups who have also not had any complications since their Kasai and stopped medications the same time I did, but they get regular check ups with GI doctors. How could my mother not know this? How could she be so negligent about something so serious? Whenever I tell someone who has BA or has a baby who has BA they are immediately concerned that I don't have regular check ups. After finding out so much about BA, I think it's time for an appointment with a doctor to confirm my suspicions of actually having BA. And if I don't have BA, maybe they will be able to tell me what I did have and why was a Kasai performed on me. Until then, I'm just happy I am alive. Happy Blogging!

Me when I was 10! See the scar?

P.S my kasai scar is different from most peoples scars. I have met a few other people who's scar is like mine and they don't know why it is either. I guess it depends on the surgeon.