Leave me be, Self Doubt.

Getting closer to the graduation date should bring me peace and happiness, but at it has brought me is anxiety and self doubt. Don't get me wrong. I am OVER THE MOON happy that I will be seeing Michael, but like I said, I can't really enjoy that excitement because I am constantly feeling anxious and doubting that the I am as prepared as I thought I was two weeks ago.


Today I looked at the calender and I immediately got excited. In less than two weeks, I was going to see my love. But that excitement didn't last long because right after I looked at the calender, I looked that weather for that weekend. Now, I know Chicago has been getting some pretty nasty weather lately, but of course, I didn't think to plan for that. Instead of flying in a day before graduation, I should have bought my ticket two days before in case delays. So that was number one. Number two was I booked my hotel room through a third party website and when checked out, on the confirmation page it said, there is no need to call ahead and confirm your reservation. I said, oh okay, I won't call, but then for some reason, I decided to call and just get that naggin feeling out of my head. When I call, immediately, I am turned off because a rude, loud woman answered the phone and basically yelled, HOLD PLEASE. No, Hi this is so and so hotel, please hold. No, that would be too much to ask for at EIGHT IN THE MORNING. Anyways, I let it go and chalked it up to not having her coffee. So, she gets back on the phone, and say how can I help. I tell her I wanted to just check that my reservation was received for the graduation date and wanted to know if I had to do anything else. She asks for my confirmation number (cutting me off mid-sentence, BTW) and tells me to wait. I let it go, ONCE AGAIN and just wait. She gets back on the phone and says there is nothing here. I tell her what website I booked it from and she basically said there was nothing she could do, if it wasn't in the computer, it didn't exist. That's when I got upset. I went on to say something to the effect of how can it not exist? I paid for it. I have a confirmation. It has to be there somewhere because the money isn't in my account anymore. She says that I needed to talk to the manager, but he wasn't in yet and he wouldn't be until later that day. I get off the phone and the feelings of anxiousness and self doubt encompass me. A million thoughts go through my head at once. What if I can't go? Where am I going to sleep? Can I afford to lose the money I spent on the reservation and get a new one? Did I put in my zipcode in wrong? Again, doubting myself.

About two hours later, I get a call from a Chicago number and think it's Michael so I answer immediately. It wasn't Michael, but it was the next best thing, the manager from the hotel I was staying at. He asks me to explain the situation to him, so I did, leaving out the rude woman, however. He asks for the confirmation number again and tries the computer again, thinking the woman made a mistake. He confirms what she said about it not being there. Then, he asked what website I used. I told him and he made the most magical sound I've ever hear, "AHHHHH." Honestly, I don't think I have ever been more happy to hear someone's vocal chords vibrate. He tells me to hold, that he is going to check something. He comes back and begins to explain to me that the website I use sends the reservations by fax instead of by email and that my reservation was still sitting in the fax machine. I was so happy and relieved. I thanked him a billion times and told him how great he was. He checks the reservation and makes sure everything is correct and told me not to worry, that there will be a room waiting for me.

All in all, it was a stressful morning, but at the end of it, I got through all the bad feelings and tried hard to focus on the feeling of getting to see my love after almost two months.

Letters, Phone calls, and Facebook Groups. OH MY!

I am so excited!!! I got not 1, not 2, but 3 letters yesterday in the mail. Each one sweeter than the last. I miss him so much and I know he misses me just as much. I honestly can't believe his graduation is coming up so soon. It has been so hard without him and being able to just be with him again will be amazing. For his graduation, me, his mom, dad, and younger brother are going to the actual ceremony, but his step mom and middle brother are coming to spend the day with him. I know everyone is super excited and ready to see him. But I am also nervous. I'm nervous he wont be the same. I mean, I know he was bound to change after going through basic training, but I guess I just hope he'll be the same guy I fell in love with 3 1/2 years ago.

...

I GOT A PHONE CALL TODAY!!! Okay, I haven't gotten a phone call from him since the Monday before Christmas. Literally, I was going stir crazy. I was trying not to panic and create this whole irrational and ridiculous situation for why he hadn't called me (I do that sometimes) and then just like that, he calls me. So, I was eating lunch with my family and my sister grabs my phone and shows me I have two missed calls from a IL number and I freak out. I yell at her, I snap at my mom for asking me why I had it on vibrate, I call it back like 10x KNOWING that there is no way he will answer it, and finally, I just break down. Now, I didn't start crying, but BOY did I want to. I kept praying he'll call back. 20 minutes later, I'm still beating myself up and there it goes, he calls back. They first thing I say on the phone is I AM SOOOOO SORRY. You would think that he would be like "Oh, it's fine" but he didn't. He was actually mad. He told me, in a very irritated voice, YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR PHONE ON YOU. After I apologized again, he was just like, I don't want this conversation to be a fight, so we dropped it. We talked about how he was doing, how excited he was he got through HELL WEEK, he told me about being chosen to be guidon so we can see him during graduation, and just a lot of different things. The saddest part of the conversation was that he told me it was his last phone call until the "I'm a Sailor" phone call the day before graduation. But all and all, I am happy with our phone call and even more happy that in less than two week, I will be seeing my baby for the first time since beginning week of December.

...

In one of Michael's letters, he told me about this Facebook group that was for loved ones who's SR was graduating the same day as Michael. I decided to join it and now I'm addicted. Seriously. They stories, questions, concerns, and just anything really. It's an entire group of people who know exactly how you feel, are probably feeling the same way, and want to be there for you. This woman posted something about not being sure about taking her baby to graduation because of how cold it is going to be and honestly, like 15 different people, including myself, commented on it giving advice, support, and just being nice and helpful about it. One woman offered to babysit during the actual ceremony part of it so the baby wouldn't have to go out in the cold so early in the morning. I mean, this group is incredible. This whole time while Michael was gone, I felt so alone. My parents, my sister, no one could help me shake it. They just didn't understand. These women (and men) do. It's been really amazing and I just wished I found it sooner. It makes me feel close to him because I'm communicating with people who's loved ones are with him. It's strange, I know, but it's comforting. Well, that's what's happened these past days. Thanks for reading, PEACE.

The elusive photograph

Okay, so I think I have bad luck. I do. I am CONVINCED. So, here is what happened.

On Facebook, there is a page called "U.S Navy Recruit Training Command." It's a really cool and super nice page where family and friends can go and get updates, pictures, videos and just connect with other people who have loved ones in RTC. I love it. I check it ALL the time. So, I was on there the other day and saw they posted pictures of recruits who weren't eligible to participate in the "Adopt-A-Sailor" program they have every major holiday. Basically, recruits who will be graduating in the next two ceremonies are eligible. Families can come up and take their recruit for the day and bring them back later at night. Recruits whose families couldn't come get "adopted" by host families, churches, and just community organizations that want to do something nice. It's a great program and this year, they did it for Christmas. Unfortunately, Michael wasn't eligible, but the recruits who didn't get adopted still got to have the "day off." They were able to write letters, relax a little bit, basically have an easier day than usual. So, when I saw they posted pictures of recruits who stayed behind, I got excited because in all my letters, I tell Michael to get in a picture of he sees people with a camera. Literally, every letter. So when I go and look at the album I see there are 619 pictures in this album. I almost died. I wanted to see him, but it's not like they tagged Michael or even said "This is a picture of Ship whatever Division whatever." I had to go through all of the pictures if I wanted to see Michael. Because I'm crazy, I did just that. I started at like 10:30pm and finished at like 1am. After looking at each picture carefully and reading comments hoping someone would say "oh this is division such and such," I got nothing. Not at all. I mean, how can there be NO picture of him?! Not even of him in the background or something. So, I was mad, but then I was just embarrassed. I was complaining about not seeing a picture of Michael after a little over a month, when there are people who haven't seen OR heard from their loved ones in a lot longer. I closed up the page and went to bed. 

The next morning I saw someone had replied back to a comment I posted on the album asking if anyone had seen pictures of Michael's division. The guy replied that there were pictures of them in the chow hall (where they eat). I got really happy again and opened up the album. Just when I thought I was the unlucky one whose loved one's division didn't get photographed, his guy lets me know they did he their pictures taken. I look at all the pictures and realize there are five different sections of the album that had like 30 pictures each of recruits in the chow hall. I ruled two sections out because there were girls in them and I knew Michael was in an all male division. Still, I had about a 100 pictures to go through again. I finally found the section where Michael's division was photographed because someone had commented on the first picture stating these were such and such ship and division. I payed extra close attention to each picture and the people in the background. At the last picture, I still didn't find Michael. I went through them again. Maybe I missed him. Nope, still not there. This time, I was pissed. How could his entire division get photographed and him be the ONLY one not in the picture? Seriously. That's when I realize, I have terrible luck. I wanted it so bad and I got so close, but still didn't get it. And trust me, I know it sounds silly getting so worked up at a picture, but damnit, I wanted it. I guess I'm going to just have to wait until graduation.